journey through the mind

sacrifice.

i just talked to someone in my family. and damn is my family messed up… so many things happened so quickly and it’s making everything so difficult. one thing is that one person is sacrificing himself to support his family. he says needs to focus on the business. because without it, they will have nothing. so he in the end, he’s not even visiting his son. its been 6months. the 2 grandmothers, along with the mother is very frustrated with him. my cousin is not even 2 yet but he’s been saying in Vietnamese: dad makes me so mad. lol. the rest of the family visits his son. but the father says he’ll hurt more if he sees his son too often.there’s more to it, but everything makes me so sad. i want to cry for him but nothing’s coming out…

blogger

i read anna’s blog and saw that she’s changing to blogger. it sounded familiar so i went to the site and it looked familiar. i found out that i had an account from a long time ago. i remembered that the reason i didn’t use it was because the old version of blogger was confusing. but now i gues its pretty simple to use as years of getting use to these blogging sites. i think i’ll also switch to blogger. the features are still simple and i gues its better than tumblr. i like how you can comment blogs and stuff xD the only think i wish they had is the video and pics uploading feature from tumblr. well i can still put pics on so whatever xD.  i’ll probably be switching back and forth.

 http://clairexnguyen.blogspot.com

 i like my layout xD it reminds me of xanga but oh well. lol.

FINALS!

gahhh!!! freggin finals!!! asdjfadjfa;df. lol. for 2 days too!!! wednesday - “essay” portion. like solving and stuff. thurs. 100 multiple choice >_>… ooh but the good thing about the next 2 days it that WE’RE GONNA MAKE ICECREAM AND PAPER!!!!!! HAHAHA. okay. back to studying =)

All or Nothing

clarification

Giovanny (Rode’s brother) had clarified some of the things i said about Rode’s memorial (below- 07/14/07):
“Hey! That was an awesome account of today’s celebration of Rode’s life. It was such a blessing reading all of it. Yes, it may be called a “funeral,” but it really was a celebration of every single thing Rode’s done, her inspiring heart and soul, her love for others, and her faith.

I just wanted to be clearer on a few things. The song I sang in tribute to Rode is one of her favorite songs to sing with me. We loved trying to harmonize out songs. The song I sang was actually called “Always” by Mia Fieldes of Hillsong United because it was about wanted to seek after God; something Rode loved doing. Yah, and of course, Rode loved to sing
 
And to give you more insight on Rode’s name, if you read the Bible, ancient Jewish tradition places a high importance in naming a child, because it lets a parent make a statement about their hopes and dreams for their child. In choosing a name for my sister, my mother came across Acts 12:13 with the name Rhoda, a maid in the house of Mary mother of John Mark. Rhoda or Rode (in Indonesian) is the Greek word for “rose.” But my mom also named her Rode because the girl in the Bible was a humble servant and hoped that my sister would grow up to humbly serve others for Christ. And I believe others have testified about her always dropping whatever she was doing to help those in need.

But yah! You have an amazing memory. Great job! And God bless. See you on Tuesday for further reflections. Maybe you can speak some words about Rode.”

Rose, to serve.

^cover inside (i love her indonesian side xD)

 

(if you don’t wanna read this whole blog. just read all the bold. thats the important stuff! its kinda hard because of my font but try to READ!!!) or just don’t read the parts where i have [[ ]] because they’re not relevent to what happened.  it just what i did. haha

not really important/don’t have to read-> [[I started out the day, waking up at 6:30 but getting out of bed at 6:45. I turned on Andrea’s comp so I can print out the map to get to Rode’s chapel to see her memorial service. (the comp was so freggin slow!!) so i told my mom that we were leaving at 7:45 because I had to sign one of the gifts to the parents. we ended up leaving at 8:05 and i was totally freaking out about being late and not having a seat. We got there around 8:25 and luckily the memorial didn’t start right away.]]

start here—> [So in the chapel, we sat and waited. We started out with 2 songs: Jesus, We Enthrone You and Draw Me Close to You.

i cried throughout the songs. they were a 2 of rode’s favorite songs. the lyrics were strong. but what made me feel it even more was the singer. her voice was so powerful. when i heard all those people singing along, all of their feelings just hit me.

afterward was the reflections:

Derek: spoke about how she went on all the overnighters and that he always had to worry about “crazy teenages running around” but never had to worry about Rode

Marina: she started off with:” look around you. its jam packed in here. this just shows how greatly Rode has affected everyone. People who weren’t that close to her would call me asking and sending regards. this just shows how much Rode impacted everyone. “ Marina also told us how Rode was so nice and that she talked to everyone - she talked to the people who nobody else talked to. Marina told Rode that ”you should think about herself for once” but then thought:”ha. well that’s rode..”

Jared: (the mic was messed up so i couldnt hear that well): about how they met in 6th grade. he, rode, and sharon had became a family.

Vanessa: about their overnighters. an incident happened. 5 girls 1 guy (patrick le). patrick said that he was gonna protect them. hahah. so they went out of a store and all of a sudden a guy starts screaming: save rosa parks!(i couldnt really understand what she was saying but something along those lines..:) they didn’t have the heart to tell the guy that rosa parks was dead. some stuff happened i couldnt hear well. vanessa and rode looked at each other and just started laughing. she shared more of her experiences. how she was 5’6 and rode was 5’ and they’d give “monster hugs ” everyday during passing period.  how rode was always the one to smile.

lastly - sharon: she talked about them being best friends they met in 6th grade and her, rode, and jared were a family. they called each other soul sisters.

——

[[[[[Giovanny did his reflection. he talked about how both of them loved to sing. and so he sung “agnus dei” - one of rode’s fav songs. i really felt his heart/soul when he sung it. it went right through me. I can still feel his pain and joy right now. He told us about how she got her name: “Rode”; it came from the bible - Roda (i think- not sure how to spell); he said that according to traditional jewish, they were really strict about naming their child. the parents named the child how they hoped they’d grow up to be. “Roda/Rode” meant “rose”- “Rode was definitly a rose to everybody”; he told us there was another reason why they named her Rode - because it meant - “to serve others”; and this name really fitted her because she definitly loved to serve others. She would be selfless. always thinking of others before herself.

Muchtar (Rode’s father): what he said was so funny but also really touching. i think i cried the most during this reflection. he talked about how Rode would always greet him when he gets home. saying “hi dad” and other sweet stuff. she makes fun of him then tells him that she loves him. she tells him to remember to kiss her good night.  he told about this one story: she would always leave a message in his office saying: “I love you.” and his coworkers would ask: “who’s the one who always leaves a message saying she loves you. is it your wife? or someone else?”  everyday. ]]]]]

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so that was the end of the reflections. throughout everyone’s relections, i was crying. I told myself to “dont cry! because Rode wouldn’t like it! Do it for the family!” i remembered what TC had said the other day: they’re family is so strong. they’re really holding it up. if they see us all sad, it’ll get them down too. so try to be happy and just support them.. even tho i gave myself reasons why i shouldn’t cry/why the family wouldnt want me to cry, i still cried. haha and i cried ALOT. i bet the ends of my sleeves are filled with snot. hahah. the lady next to me had tissues but i didn’t want to ask her because that meant me looking at her face to face and her seeing how horrible my faced looked. hahah.

we went to the burial site. they did their little ceremony thing in Indonesian - many of the speech/gab people didn’t understand. But it was for the family so it was ok. Hearing the priest talked was really relaxing. it let me think more, and it really told me that she was at peace.

any whoo… we i’m telling here in this blog, is just of what basically happened. there’s no words to describe how beautiful the service was. it was on rose hills making it more beautiful. but the service itself has really impacted me. everything everyone said made me want to continue changing for the better.

Rode is definetly one of the few inspirations in my life. she always smiled at me, saying “hi” during passing period from 5th - 6th; even when i havent’ really talked to her in like 2 months. she still says hi to me. during those times, i was just like: wow. she’s so nice. even tho its not much, its one of the best memories of her. The 2nd memory i have of her, is during her performances in Dramatic Interpretation. Her speech is so good. I ALWAYS- literally  ALWAYS hit her in a round at every tournament. she always wrote me critics. but what’s strange is during the last tournament when we were both novices (she became varsity because she qualified for state) she didnt’ critic me because she finally realized we always hit each other. haha. and whats funny is that that last tournment was when i improved alot. the earlier tournaments i sucked and she criticed the same thing - so it was kinda pointless but still.. the last one, she said i got really good. xD (even tho i still sucked). ]

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not really relevant —> [[we couldnt stay the whole time so i couldn’t see her get buried. kelly ferguson’s mom drove us back. she wanted to leave so we left with her and leonid. we had communication problems with mrs. ferguson. haha. we were thinking of gettin dropped off at gab. but we ended up dropping leonid on mission dr and las tunas. and we went to kelly’s house and got picked up at coolidge. we went inside bc i need to write some info down then we went out to walk to coolidge.]]

[as we went out and started walking, we noticed that the neighborhood was filled with flowers, but mostly roses. it was kinda ironic because Rode’s name meant rose. so we were saying: gues that’s the theme for today - ROSES. ]

 REST IN PARADISE

ok esther. i’ll try not to rub in you face that you were being selfish and that this is like a once in a life time experience and that you should’ve gone.

a kid can know more the mother

today my mom, me, and andrea had a talk about my mom’s problems. (lol shouldn’t it be the other way around? haha) i think now my mom knows that we’re more mature than she thinks. and we proved to her the point about: even people are older than you, it doesn’t mean they’re better/smarter/mature/understanding. ok here’s the story:

lets start from the VERY beginning of my day xD -
speech - got there around 9:30 ish. watched one speech. then went to practice room for help in O.O. with T.C.; read articles and found possible topics; bell rung - 2nd period; watched more speeches and DAMN ! THE OIers THIS YEAR ARE GOOD! lol. i wish we had that much energy my freshmen year. lol. anywhoo.. so afterwards we had Interact summeract meeting and then off to orange county to orthodontist—>

 ok so after we did our braces etc.. we went home. and during the car ride i was working on O.O. all of a sudden my mom starts talking to us saying: “oh i want to honestly talk to you two. You know i dislike you’re aunt right?” and so yea. we started talking. and she says she doesnt hate them and can forgive them but right now is not the time to welcome them to stay at our house and be “friends” with them. we told her that she didnt have to be “friends” but at least RESPECT them! they had taken advantage of her 7 years ago and and twisted her words to her in-law siblings. my mom says she doesnt like those type of people. she tried to be patient and didn’t say anything and prayed. she can’t stand those type of people and doenst want to interact with them. but the thing is :  HOW DO PEOPLE KNO THAT THEY’RE WRONG IF YOU DON’T TELL THEM!? she said they should know because they’re older. but i told her : so?! loll. i’ve seen people age 30 and up that are more immature than i am. i told to look at me (lol xD) - i know more/am more mature than other people becuase i learn to (lol

 well then she was quiet for a little while and said: maybe you’re right. maybe its my fault for not telling them 7 years ago. but right now i’m not ready to tell them.

(i also got some o.o. topics from this convo (stuff for speech) :  people can’t forgive; and people bottle up their feelings and it eventually leads to consequences)

so yea. more talking.. i left out alot of stuff.. but the main point is that.. my mom realized something new. well not just thing but things. =D that we shouldn’t assume things; that you should tell people what you’re thinking instead of bottling it up inside (i asked her did it feel better telling us and she said yea =D she stil had not told my dad some parts of what she told us. lol) ; and lastly -that a kid can kno more than an adult despite their age =D

denouement (2nd definition :P)

Yeah! Done with midterm. But i’m still unsure how i did. Ok so as some may know. I’m taking Chemistry at Alhambra High School. This semester I’ve had 2 tests (TWO!! WTF?!) and like 7 or so quizes, and like 20 labs [reports]. As of last week my grade was 92.something. and in order to get an A you need 91%. So I’m borderline. Then on monday, I had my 2nd test (hadn’t taken it yet). And I did HORRIBLE!!! i got a freggin 71 -_- and it was on stupid stuff bc i read the question wrong. >_> ahh!! i hated my self. well not really. so obviously that’s gonna bring my grade down. And then I had some labs this week that I didn’t know what to do. I hate how she teaches. she doesnt even teach!!! >_>

 Well anywho.. back to the subject. I had my midterm today. but also took the CST (california standardized test). So the CST had 60 questions on it. Most of the stuff on the test were from chapters 9 and up. and we barely learned 10 -12 yesterday. It was so hard!! But luckily b/c she knows we havent covered it, she’s gonna get the highest grade and use it as the standard. (our grade over the highest).  I really don’t even want to kno what i got. and it counts in our grade too >_>

ok. so the midterm. There was 40 multiple choice questions that were worth 2 points each so that’s 80% of our test. then two ”essay questions” where we had to solve for whatever she asked. she work etc and the answer is only worth 1 point >_> each problem worht 10 pts. number 2 had 2 parts. AND GOD DAMN IT!! THE FREGGIN QUESTIONS WERE SO HARD!! I DIDNT KNO WHAT TO DO!! we barely learned it the day before and gues what? she gave us a work sheet TODAY! freggin AFTER we took the test.  I officially hate gases/energy/heat/calories/joules!!  i freggin have no idea how to calculate those. well i do kinda but still!!

OH ! but the one good thing about the test: on the midterm she said most people did horrible. people were getting like in the 20s/low 30s out of 40/38 (2 free answers bc she messed up) and i got a 37!!! yay!! the midterm that she wrote was really easy. its just the freggin “essay” part. so i have a guaranteed 78% . still a c >_> i jsut hope i get partial points on the essay part (20 pts for essay part) so at least i get a b on the midterm. I REALLY DON’T WANT A B! i paid close to $400 and B’s are no good.

oh forgot to mention. we get points for attendence/on time and for taking notes. I kno for sure i got full points on notes. but i was freggin tardy for 5 times! my mom didnt realize that these points add up!! Its freggin not my fault for being tardy. and i’m always right at the stairs when the stupid bell rings >:[ ok so i have 25 off. plus considering my tests and cst and labs!! >:[ freak.akjddaj;ajd;as

 oh did i mention that i have SAT classes from 1:45 to 4? >:|
so much schooling!! 7:30-4 and its summer!! its even more than reg school year. adjdjs;as

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ok me calm now. so i vented about school. i really have no life do i? its always school school school! >:[ well today i got home and started working on speech. I’m happy now! :D i got lots of work done - considering the fact that i usaully don’t have time from mon - wed. thurs is my catchup day for speech and friday i go to school and work with speech xD ! :D

at 12.23 am

i’m here sitting and typing this. in 7/8 hours i’m going to have my midterm and i’m freaking out. even tho  -right now i’m a bit calm. i hope it all goes well. shall elaborate about my chem class after midterm. now i’m off to sleep xD

To those I love And Those Who Love Me

I really like this poem. It was on Rode’s website.

When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do.
You mustn’t tie yourself to me in tears.
Be happy that we had so many years.
I gave you my love, you can only guess,
How much you gave to me in happiness.
I thank you for the love each of you has shown.
But now it’s time I traveled on alone.
So grieve awhile for me, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It’s only for awhile that we must part
So keep the memories within your heart.
I won’t be far away, for life goes on.
So if you listen with your heart, you’ll hear
All of my love around soft and clear.
And when you must come this way alone
I’ll greet you with a smile, and say,
“Welcome Home”

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God saw you were getting tired
And a cure was not to be.
So He put His arms around you
And whispered
‘Come to me.’
A golden heart
stopped beating,
Hard working hands now rest.
God broke our hearts
to prove to us
He only takes the best.

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i’m going to add my thoughts and stuff later. I’ve been wanting to for the past week but never got the chance =/ i shall soon =D

Strength

Giovanny may think he’s weak but he is the strongest of everyone right now. One would think that the closer they are, the more vulernable they are to these events. But he has proven them wrong. It definitely affects him, but it does not stop him from believing that his little sister is happy, at pease, and in paradise.